I had it! I had the perfect excuse. Yesterday I had to do something that totally ruined my day. It was the perfect excuse to have a drink... or two... or ten. I got myself a bottle and set myself up with some tortilla chips and dip. It was 8:30PM so I was ready to put the kids to bed and was all pumped to forget the day in a deluge of Rum and Cokes.
The problem with my perfect excuse... it was still just and excuse (and I knew it!). I sat there for 5, 10, 15 minutes going through a battle in my head (at one point my wife asked me if I was going to be alright). "It's OK, you couldn't have anticipated what happened today" I told myself. "It's still just an excuse", was my reply. "Let's just do it tonight and start fresh tomorrow". "How many times have you said that one?". "I want a drink, I deserve one". "Go ahead, but you're breaking your commitment"
I wanted to drink really, really bad and I had the full bottle sitting right there in front of me. I had already forgiven myself for something I hadn't even done yet... but I just couldn't do it. I made a commitment and I need to try to keep to it as much as I can. I might fail on another day, heck I might fail this weekend, but for today I'm not going to give in.
So I didn't! I invited the kids to stay up and watch a little TV and ate some chips. Then I went to bed having never opened the bottle.
Now you might think I woke up in the morning and felt oh so wonderful and just beaming with confidence from my success on the previous night. Nope, just another day, time to start all over. Yes I'm proud of myself, but that doesn't make my journey any easier from here out. It was just 1 win in a 360 day war.
I'm sitting here tonight faced with the same dilemma; there's still a bottle of alcohol right in front of me and I have another choice to make. I might not make it through tonight either, but tonight is a little different. As I try to resist tonight I can tell myself that I've done it before and I can do it again. One day at a time.
Stay Strong!
"I had already forgiven myself for something I hadn't even done yet..." Powerful, FogDog. Wow. I applaud you for pausing just long enough to step outside of yourself--outside of the permission created within--and really looking at the situation from a different perspective. That takes work, my friend. You're doing important work. Strength--and indeed, one day at a time.
ReplyDelete