The facility I work at is on the end of a dead end road. It's part of an industrial complex so there's a half mile stretch of road that essentially goes nowhere. This is good because you can walk the road to the end and then back to my facility and it's about 1 mile. Since it's right at the plant you don't lose anytime traveling, you simply just go outside and start walking. Many folks at the facility do this quite regularly.
I never walk the road near work. Instead I get in my car and drive 10 minutes to the mall and walk there and then drive 10 minutes back to work. I do this because I don't want people at work to see me exercising. Why not?
Today I faced my fears and decided to walk near work. I went out and did 3 loops; almost 3 miles. As I was walking I felt nervous. I wondered , "why am I so afraid to exercise around people that know me?". It's not that I worry about what they think about me, I tend to not worry about what others are thinking as you have no control over that. Then what? Embarrassed? No, I don't embarrass that easily. Then it hit me, I'm afraid of being seen as a failure... in the future.
You see, if people I know see me working out then they know I'm trying to lose weight. It becomes instant accountability; If I don't lose weight then down the road those people will see me as a failure. As time goes by people will notice that I'm walking less and less and that means I must be giving up. I'm not afraid of what people think right now, I'm afraid of what they will think when I fail.
Ludicrous isn't it? This falls into that same category with me always trying to predict the future and plan for it. People will see me as a failure (when I fail in the future) so better not start now or at least keep it a secret so I can fail without anyone ever knowing.
I know this is crazy, but it sure was real today when I had to force myself to walk. I had to tell myself that no one I work with really cares whether I succeed or fail in my journey. They're just co-workers with their own things on their minds. I'm not the center of everyone's universe. Today was a good day in terms of facing my fears.
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Pretty good day sticking to my eating plan... and then I had ice cream in the evening (oh well, I'm not perfect). I did get my gallon of water in and I didn't smoke. I got almost 3 miles of exercise and I'm feeling pretty good despite being a little sore from all the work over the weekend. Day #16 is in the books; bring on Day #17... One day at a time!
Stay Strong!
I fear that too. If they don't know I tried, they don't know I failed. Because everyone thinks about me all the time and judges me.
ReplyDeletehaha this is good stuff man! Isn't it weird how we plan for failure, but rarely plan for complete success? I had a stint where me and a co-worker were running together despite the fact he was far ahead of me in his fitness. I knew early on that I was probably going to quit running with him because I wasn't as good as him. It lasted about two weeks, and despite his insistance he was ok with staying back with me, I knew I was going to quit him almost first thing. we are weird creatures aren't we?
ReplyDeleteI have the same fear too. You are doing what you need to do. I finally faced my fears; and as I get older it is easier not to "worry" about what people think. I am sure numerous comments have been made behind my back as I "giggle" down the street when I "run", but I don't care anyone. As I commented before, you are giving me daily inspiration. Thank you so much. Keep up the good work!!!
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