In order for me to remain successful I must remain accountable for what I do. I had more knee pain last night and this morning felt like a zombie. I went to my miserable job (which only seems to be getting worse lately) and put in a miserable day. All day long I fought temptation and I stuck to my plan. I ate well all day and even got my gallon of water in before heading home.
As I left for home all I could think about was a bottle of Captain Morgan and a six pack of Coke. I fought my temptation for the whole 30 minute ride, thinking of nothing else. I tried my best not to make excuses, but something was going to give and I knew it. I told my wife we needed to go out so I could get some supplies for my bathroom remodel and I wanted to get a brace and some heat wraps for my knee. Ultimately while we were out we ended up going out to eat for dinner.
I could go on an on about how well I did at a Chinese buffet by only ordering water and eating almost exclusively shrimp and vegetables, but that would be me trying to rationalize or justify my behavior. The truth is I suggested going to the store because I knew it would give us an excuse to go out to eat and my brain had already decided that going out to eat would be an acceptable substitute for drinking alcohol.
See how I did that? On my 30 minute ride I convinced myself that for certain reasons (excuses) I needed a drink, but I shouldn't have a drink so instead I should go off my eating plan and somehow that now becomes an OK alternative.
All of this because I had a bad day and my knee hurts (excuses). This might sound strange, but it's really the reasoning that my brain goes through that bothers me about tonight. Had we just made a decision to go out for the heck of it I would have been fine with the choice (I really did a great job not pigging out at a buffet), but it's the whole rationalization thing that has me bothered tonight. The point here is that it doesn't matter how big or small the bad choice was, it's the reasoning behind the bad choice that really needs to be fixed
When stress piles up with me I start to crack and I can only hold on so long before I run to unhealthy behaviors for comfort. Why? They don't really make me feel better. It's this cycle that I've lived forever. I need to find a new way to deal or I'll be back at this point again and again.
So here I am, I made a bad choice tonight for a bad reason. I shared it to help remain accountable to myself, but that's where it ends. It does no good to dwell on it and it doesn't need to cause me further backslide. I made a bad choice and it won't be my last; the day is over and it's time to move on.
Stay Strong!
Great and honest post FD. It's the ultimate battle between evil and good. Neither won but neither lost. It's a tie. And you know it.
ReplyDeleteJust a few weeks ago, you would have just wrote (and accept easily) that you had took a meal at the restaurant (and "pigging out" at the buffet ), got a couple of drinks, were stressed and tomorrow you would do better.
You are getting mentally stronger FD, there will be other days like yesterday but I think they will be farther from one to the other until you have full control, you can do it my friend!
Thanks Richard and you are right, I am getting mentally stronger. I can feel it. There was no guilt yesterday and there was no good excuse; I just accepted it for what it was, learned from it, and moved on.
DeleteYou have to be honest with yourself. Yes, you made a bad choice but today,tomorrow and the next willbe good and wise choices.
ReplyDeleteI do hope your knee gets better quickly.
Keep strong, keep positive ..... and move forward.
All the best Jan
I tried a heat wrap last night and it's feeling much better today, thanks!
DeleteKeep up the fight FogDog. I know what you mean about pain and temptation is a BEAST! I was just talking to one of my coworkers yesterday about how food is a horrible addiction because unlike smokes, drugs or alcohol, we need food to survive. I got faith in you dude and know there's another one just starting that's looking up to you!
ReplyDeleteFor me, the MSG that's in Chinese food es no bueno... The other night I ate a very modest portion of leftover Mongolian beef w/0.5 c white rice (well w/in my caloric range for the day); the next morning I was UP 0.7 lbs! Pure bloat, I'm certain.
ReplyDeleteKeep on keepin' on my friend!