I’ve learned a little about myself, so I now know what starts me down the path… self-doubt. Usually I’m humming along the road to wellness when my buddy self-doubt comes knocking at my door. He tells me that I can’t stay “good” forever and that I’m bound to fail. Then he proceeds to tell me all the great excuses I can use, should I decide that he’s right. “You deserve a break” and “life’s too short, enjoy yourself” are a couple of the lines I hear. Before I know it, self-doubt is crashing on my couch because he’s got nowhere else to go. Eventually I break down and I begin to listen to what self-doubt has to say.
The road might look a little different each time I go back down it, but it always ends up back at the same place. This time the road started with stress, or more accurately, it started with my inability to deal with my stress. I used to deal with stress by smoking cigarettes. Then I quit smoking 5 months ago. I used to deal with stress by drinking alcohol (heavily) on the weekends, then I quit drinking about 4 months ago. All I had left in my stress toolbox was eating; I gained almost 50 pounds before deciding that it was not sustainable. I found the courage to take on my unhealthy eating habits about 2 months ago and my performance up until now has been stellar. The problem though is that my stress toolbox is empty. I tried to add exercise, but it wasn’t the same. I tried meditation, but it wasn’t enough. The stress has been building and building for 8 weeks now with no outlet.
For me, stress turns into anger. I begin to lose control over my anger and outbursts ensue; outbursts at work and at home. One of my good friends told me that he liked me better when I was still smoking. It was not in a mean way; it was in the context of me talking about how short my fuse has been lately, and it was not meant to suggest that I needed to start smoking again either. Still it stung a little to hear that. After outbursts comes the guilt about not being able to stay in control. I’m a well-respected leader; it’s my job and I’m paid handsomely to stay in control. My wife and kids deserve a father and husband who doesn’t yell all the time. THERE IT IS… THE NOBLE EXCUSE.
It actually started 2 weekends ago with a little drinking on Saturday night. Unfortunately, it worked and I felt better for a few days. Hey nothing wrong with blowing off a little steam now and then right? So why not do it again (last weekend)? A little more alcohol, but last weekend wasn’t as effective (or maybe the stress was a little more?). I guess it doesn’t really matter; the point is that it was the beginning of a pattern that built up to my latest epic performance last night. Last night I drank way too much alcohol, ate way too much junk food, and smoked a couple cigarettes to boot. I won't go into all the details, but it's fair to say that the ditch I landed in is fairly unpleasant at the moment. Yep, I’ve definitely been here before.
So now I find myself back on the road to hell. It’s a toll road that gets more and more expensive the longer you travel on it. Much like parts of the NJ Turnpike, there’s not a lot of exits. Even if I see one I’m not sure if I can get off, because after all, you have to want to. There’s more to come; I’m not exactly sure where I go from here so I need some time to figure it out. I’ll let you know how it goes.
-Stay Strong! (not like me)
[Photo: Flickr / János Csongor Kerekes]
I have commented 3 times, but I don't know if they are going through. Maybe I'm not meant to comment here! In summary, I appreciate your transparency and as the adult child of an alcoholic father, I beg you to do whatever it takes to get away from that toll road--- neglect your car and walk, since you don't see an exit. It's that important.
ReplyDeleteTTL, thanks for the comment. As I went back and reread my post it became apparent that it sounded a lot worse than it actually was. My relationship with alcohol hasn't always been great, but It also hasn't been to the point of serious concern. I stopped drinking altogether 4 months ago, not because I thought it was in excess, but because it always triggers more bad behaviors like poor eating and smoking. Thank you for your concern.
DeleteFD, although everyone's situation is different , I can relate with an inability to cope with stress when our toolbox is empty. I actually had a big emotional breakdown (lots of stress that's been piling up and creating anxiety) a couple of weeks back because food was not there to get me through. Friends and family were, but my all time great comfort, food, was not. I can honestly say that self awareness and my loved ones paired with the blog community made a huge difference in the choices I made. I was successful in not self sabotaging but I am sure it won't be the last time I feel cornered the same way. I am sending you all the positive vibes I can and I know you will find you way through it for you and your loved ones. I know you can Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the support Alati!
DeleteMen and women deal with stress very differently, it's a fact. Reading this post hits home. My father never found an outlet for his stress and anger except alcohol. It went from social drinking, to drinking during the big weekend football games, then during the weekday games too, then drinking every day after work at the bar, then more at home. He was a perfectionist and always set high standards for himself, especially at work. When he hit rock bottom and lost almost everything important, he finally got help.
ReplyDeletePlease reflect and see if you can get down to the real "why" of your stress and change course before you head down this particular road. If you already haven't done so, explain to your wife what is going on. Maybe she can help.
Nikki, your comment really had a huge impact on me... I now realize that I'm creating a lot of my own stress with my perfectionism. Seriosly, this was a very impactfull comment to receive, my next post will discuss it some more. My sincerest thanks!
DeleteThat's a hard problem to solve. I've never had a problem with smoking or drinking, but obviously I do with food. And that is the only tool I have for stress, so I crash and burn on my diets so often. I don't have any advice for you other than keep trying, it is never too late to turn around. Even if the road signs say no U turn, ignore them. Every day, every minute is another chance to make good decisions.
ReplyDeleteThanks Natalie, I'm on my way back already!
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