Weight Loss Fear - Success??

I’m preparing myself for a huge transformation that will begin when I return from vacation on September 1. Unlike past experiences, I’m not just starting right out with the goal to lose as much weight as fast as possible. This time it’s different. This time I want to prepare myself. When you move to a new city, you don’t just show up one day, you prepare. You get your things in order, you make lists of things you need to do, you tell your friends, you get yourself mentally ready. That’s why I wrote myself a letter when I restarted my blog, I needed to acknowledge to myself that although I have failed, I have, indeed changed, and I needed to give myself permission to try again. It was my first signal to begin getting myself mentally ready for what will be an incredibly tough challenge.

Today is another step in my preparation; admitting to one of my biggest (and probably seen as craziest) fears.

Another well-known blogger asked me recently if I was excited to get started. I told him that it wasn’t excitement, but rather fear I’m feeling right now. To be honest I’m scared as hell about this. I stared into a mirror the other morning, and I couldn’t recognize the person I was seeing. I’ve been going through the motions for so long now that I don’t really feel anything anymore. I just get up, do the same thing everyday, and then go to bed. No excitement, no enthusiasm, nothing. While this might seems sad, keep in mind that it can also be quite comfortable; nothing really changes.

My fear isn’t about failing… that just means more of the same, familiar life. Besides, I’ve failed millions of times; it’s not like I don’t know how to handle it. No, my fear is around succeeding. It’s amazing when you spend a little time just thinking about “stuff”. Since high school I’ve been overweight. Throughout my entire life my “vision” of myself as a thin person was simply… me, but thinner. At the age of 42 I find myself astounded that I’ve never seriously considered that fact that I would also change as a person! Seriously, I’ve never even had a mental picture myself as happier person, or a more confident person, it was always just a one dimensional image, same person, just with less body. Laugh if you want, but it just never really dawned on me. Now don’t get me wrong I pictured myself mountain biking and going kayaking with friends. I had all those visions of doing things that fat people can’t really do, but I never really thought about who I would be as a person.

It’s this realization that really has hit me hard. Most people assume that losing weight will only change them in positive way. While it is true there are positive aspects of losing weight. What’s not a given is how you will change as a person. How will my relationships with my family change? My friends? What personality traits will disappear? What new personality traits will show up? What new habits will I pick up? What will I think about my career? There’s a lot that can change when you go through these transformations, and there’s no guarantee that they will all be positive.

Don’t get me wrong, when I say I’m scared it’s not a “run for the hills – I can’t do this” type of scared, it’s that fear of the unknown. It’s like walking into a pitch dark cave with your hands out in front of you. You don’t necessarily stop, but you are scared as hell about what your about to run into!

This is just something that I’ve never really thought about before; it’s not just your appearance that will change, it’s everything about you! I don’t know how I will change, I don’t know the answers to all those questions I listed above, I don’t even know if I will like the new me or not. However, I do know this: The one thing that would be worse would be to never find out! Wish me luck, I’m going into the cave.

Hospitals Are No Fun

It's been almost a week since my last post.  Sorry for the long blackout, but believe me when I say I had more important things on my mind:

This has been one of the most emotionally draining weeks I've had in a very long time.  On Sunday my 3 year old daughter was hospitalized because her knees and hips had become so swollen that she could not walk and even picking her up was enough to cause her to shriek in pain.  For those of you who do not have kids, let me tell you that nothing is more heartbreaking than having to watch one of your children suffer in pain while you know there isn't a thing you can do about it.  To make matters worse, I had to hold my daughter still multiple times for various blood draws and IV insertions.  Every visit from the lab was meant with instant terror and the screams and pleads to let her go home will probably remain with me forever.

Fortunately, this story does have a happy ending.  After several days of testing, the doctors were able to confirm that she had Lyme disease and they got her started on antibiotics.  My wife and I were absolutely thrilled at this diagnosis; the alternatives that were being explored were all much worse!  What had everyone baffled was just how fast the symptoms came on.  On Friday she had 1 slightly swollen knee and by Sunday morning she couldn't move!

Anyway, I got to bring her home on Wednesday and as of today you almost couldn't tell that she had been sick.  The swelling is almost completely gone and this morning she wanted to show me how fast she could run (even if she was still a little wobbly).  The treatment is no picnic; a month of antibiotics, but at least she's home and getting better every day.

So that brings me to the here and now.  As those of you who have been following me for a while know, I have this tendency to look for ways to learn from everything that happens to me whether it's good or bad.  As painful and emotionally draining as this process was, it did help me to see a few things about myself.

This week I essentially lived in a hospital for the better part of 3 days.  I was in 2 different emergency rooms (my daughter had to be transferred to a second hospital in the middle of this process), the OR prep area, and then in a pediatric ward.  During all that time I saw a lot of people and spent a lot of time just sitting and thinking.  There was a TV in my daughter's room, but I could only watch so many episodes of SpongeBob Squarepants before my mind started to wander.

Lyme Disease Awareness Charm

During my time at the hospital I came to realize 2 very important things:

The first thing I noticed was that hospitals are filled with unhealthy people - I know, shocking isn't it?  What I mean by this is that during my time at the hospital, I couldn't help but notice just how many of the people there were either overweight or diehard smokers.  During my stay at the 2 different emergency rooms, I watched as one overweight person after another passed by my daughter's room.  My guess is that of all the sick people I saw in the emergency departments, easily more than half were overweight. 

By the time we got to the pediatric department, I was ready for a smoke.  I've been on and off again with the smoking for a little while now and stressful situations always cause me to go "on" again.  For those of you who haven't been to a hospital in a while, the rules around smoking at hospitals have changed.  Most hospitals now are completely smoke free.  This means you are not allowed to smoke anywhere on hospital grounds.  This particular hospital we were at had setup a designated smoking area across the street underneath an overpass.  If I wanted a cigarette, that's where I had to go.  While in that area, I was absolutely shocked at the people I saw.  It was bad enough to see doctors and nurses who get to see the result of what smoking can do to you, but what was really shocking was to see actual patients!  Yes, I saw patients in their gowns and slippers... dragging IV machines behind them... in the 35 degree cold... walking across the street to go have a smoke!  In fact one older woman came out of the building with one of those little pull behind oxygen tanks, but they wouldn't let her bring it across the street (gee I wonder why).  She came over without it, had 2 cigarettes, and then went back inside.  To be honest, I am amazed that the hospital even allows it, but I guess patients have rights even if it is the right to make things worse.

My takeaway from these observations was not that hospitals are filled with unhealthy people, but rather hospitals are filled with unhealthy people that don't take care of themselves.  Being an overweight smoker is only going to increase my chances of ending up in a hospital sometime in my future.  I've started to make improvements and I have made progress, but I've got a long way to go.

The second realization that I came across while hanging out at the hospital was that my unhealthy behaviors could cause others to suffer.  I guess I've always had the belief that my bad habits would only hurt me in the long run, but now I've realized that isn't true.  Watching my daughter in pain was one of the hardest things I've had to endure.  Obviously it wasn't her fault that she was there, but it suddenly hit me that someday I could be laying there suffering from something that I could have prevented by living a healthier lifestyle.  All I could think of was my loved ones being in pain as they sat around me and watched me suffer.  It's one thing to be in the hospital for something out of your control, but it's another thing to be there for something that you could have prevented.  I do not want to have to put my family through that so I need to do whatever I can to reduce my chances of needing a hospital.

Without a doubt it's been a rough week.  During all this I did not exercise and my diet has been less than stellar.  No doubt I probably added a couple of pounds, but my desire to be healthy has also been renewed.  I threw my cigarettes out and haven't smoked all day.  It will be tough but I am committed to seeing it through.  I also started a 30 day weight challenge with my friend, but that's a whole other story.  I'll tell you all about it in my next post this weekend.  Stay strong people!